The Simpsons Series: Who is Homer?

Hello, friends. Ted back again.

Our series for this weekend is going to be based on "The Simpsons," since it's, well, the greatest television show of all-time and the full-length movie just came out this weekend. Our series will be pretty simple: we'll take main Simpsons characters and liken them to professional sports organizations or players. Since we normally do these weekend series in 4 parts, we'll use Homer, Marge, Lisa, and Bart (we think). We'll avoid Maggie.

However, it should be noted that if Maggie was best represented by a player or organization, she'd definitely be Barry Bonds. She goes forever without talking, and yet she's pure evil in some respects - she shot Mr. Burns and (SPOILER ALERT) she kills the head of the EPA in the new movie. She also has various Satanic qualities throughout the episodes, and threatens Marge on occasion. If you want a d-bag, roided-up baby (remember when her clothes rip off? That's not because the family is poor - it's because of "the cream" and "the clear!") then look no further than Maggie "Barry Bonds" Simpson.

Anyway, I believe we were at Homer. Here we go:

It should be noted as I begin this post that a few days ago, I sent an e-mail to my friend. It was one of those generic, "How-is-life-at-this-moment" type of e-mails, but being the kind of person I am, I felt like extending the theme, and as a result I decided to note a personal dream of mine. See, when I get married, or when I decide to get married rather, I'd like to have my bachelor party be at one of those brownstone/townhouse dealies behind Wrigley Field. I'd like every guy whom I've ever appreciated to fly to Chi-Town and sit on that brownstone roof downing beers, and I'd like us to watch some meaningless Cubs vs. Marlins game from said vantage point, and I'd hope that through the course of the afternoon, people say to me things like "Your new wife is so gorgeous / so personable," or whatnot. These are things I dream of often. Let's hope they actually come true.

It makes sense, then, that possibly my favorite television character of all-time - Mr. Homer Simpson - is one I'd liken to the Chicago Cubs. The sheer fact of the matter is: Homer is a lovable loser. He can't win or catch a break in numerous respects, but he always does the right thing in the end (I won't spoil the movie anymore for you guys). And yet, despite his myriad of poor life lessons - "The lesson is, never try" and "I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, save me Superman" come to mind - he is as enamored by the viewing public as any character, real-life or cartoon, across the past two decades.

The Cubs are the same way. The last time they won a World Series, four generations of my family hadn't been born yet. They lose in ways that are disgusting (and disgustingly entertaining!) to watch, such as the Billy Goat and the Bartman Game, but yet, every summer afternoon and evening at the Friendly Confines, the place is packed. Packed to the gills. People adore the Cubs, but they *NEVER* give the love back. Homer is aloof in multiple respects - "Weaseling out of things is an important skill to learn" - but he's still adored. So are the Cubs.

It comes back to one anecdote for me, I suppose, in an effort to end this meandering narrative. Early in the modern Simpsons animation run, there was an episode where Bart and Lisa were watching an episode of "Itchy and Scratchy" and something completely preposterous happened. Cutting back to their living room, Homer - sitting on the couch - said, "Cartoons don't always have to be realistic!" as another Homer walked outside the family's window, also in view. I laughed out loud when I first saw that. The thing is, that's the Cubs. Baseball doesn't always have to be realistic, and I think that's why it is America's game. A team that hasn't captured it all in almost 100 years can be the most revered team in America, can be the team that everyone loves but no one expects anything of, and can be the hope of baseball and the scourge of baseball all at once. Baseball doesn't have to be realistic. Neither does The Simpsons. And thus, the protaganist of the show is the Cubs, and vice versa. You know, if you believe all that junk. And if you don't, just remember this, because it's simple and logical enough: "If something is hard to do, it's not worth doing."