The Scrap Midseason MLB Awards

Hello, friends. Ted back again with his final thoughts for the weekend - and, ya know, since MLB's midseason arrives after the Braves vs. Padres game tonight, we thought we'd take a look at the first half of the season, Scrap style. Here we go:

The AL MVP - Magglio Ordonez, Tigers

This entire debate brings up an interesting question: what does the word "valuable" really mean? See, Alex Rodriguez is "valuable" in the sense that the Yankees are absolutely putrid this season, and without him, they'd seemingly be worse. But Ordonez is "valuable" in the sense that even though he has more help (sorry, Jorge and Jeets), his team is in the thick of what should be a good AL Central race this late summer and fall. Well, Dictionary.Com describes "valuable" as "having great monetary worth." While this applies to both of 'em, I'd say A-Rod wins it hands down just off that. Urban Dictionary, conversely, likens it to "pimp" or "player." Crap. I guess A-Rod is the AL MVP. But you know what? We don't like the Yankees. So now it's Ordonez. Take that and shove it up your ziggy with a wa-wa brush.

The NL MVP - Prince Fielder, Brewers

I think this guy wins it for two reasons: 1) he brought the painful child-father dynamic to the forefront of American society already this season, and it's only July, and 2) anyone who can make people remember Cecil Cooper and Cecil Fielder - and then discuss them and their relevance -is "most valuable" in my book.

The AL Cy Young - John Lackey, Angels

Sure, sure. C.C. and Haren probably deserve it more. But Lackey, who has seemingly been toiling in obscurity since he won game 7 of the '02 Series as a friggin' rookie, did something beautiful yesterday: he took the storyline that everyone wants to make into the big thing of this season, that being the ageless (read: old and decrepit) Roger Clemens, and rendered it utterly useless. He dueled with the Rocket Man for an entire game, setting a career high for K's in the process. Plus, we respect the hell out of any man that is ugly but can still ensnare females, and we have a sneaking suspiscion that Lackey, who grew up in the same area as Jessica Simpson and kinda sorta looks like John Mayer, definitely plowed the rose petals there before Mr. Lachey. Take that, Van Exel!

The NL Cy Young - Jake Peavy, Padres

Staying in Cali for this one (and for this one: "the women, the weather, the weed - Sticky Green!") because Jake Peavy is an absolute bull dog. The dude can't see a friggin' hand in front of his face, and he still just absolutely mows people down. That's respect right there. He's married and doesn't appear prone to dalliance, which is depressing for our purposes, but he does get drunk and fight people. That's cool. Chris Young, his teammate, could justifiably contend for this award as well - and not just because he almost threw a no hitter the night before I was a groomsman in a Northern Virginia wedding, extending my bedtime almost 12 minutes in the process. No, moreso because he's tall.

The AL Rookie of the Year - Reggie Willits, Angels

We know, we know. He lives in a batting cage or some junk. Awesome. I live in shoebox-sizd squallor and The New York Times couldn't care less. Goddamn liberal bias. Here's what is more important: he's good. And here's what is even more important: the Angels have led the AL in SBs the last five years. It's a dying art form, but it's one of the things they do better than anyone else. Even with Chone Figgins playin' out his gourd for part of this season, the Angels are getting challenged by various squads, ala Tampa Bay, for this year's title. Insert Willits, who runs early and often in games. He could make the Angels single-handedly relevant for at least one thing once they go down in 3 to the Sox this October.

The NL Rookie of the Year - Hunter Pence, Astros

Am I the only person who thinks this dude could have been a character name in Caddyshack? I mean, couldn't you see him as Chevy's protege in that film, just nailing all the chicks and channeling his inner something or other? Maybe it's just me. Point is, he's quite good. Let's hope he doesn't spend his entire career in Houston, because apparently when you do that, all your accomplishments are suddenly turned to nil. Seriously, can we discuss this? (I used to live there, btw). Hakeem is never deemed a great center. Biggio is getting all this flak about "never being top five at any position he played when he was playing it." People basically forget Jeff Bagwell even lived. Mike Scott, maybe the best pitcher of the 1980s? An after-thought to a bunch of cokeheads. I'm livid. Trade Pence to the Mets now so he can get his due, OK?

You can visit me all week at A Price Above Bip Roberts. Please come. I need friends.