The Friday Recap: Yeah, I'm Here A Bit Late

Hello, friends. Ted here. I'm a little later than usual showing up - rumors are abounding in cyberspace that the reason is because I divulged in an essay on Extrapolator last night that I've watched every episode of Sex and the City, and Doug wasn't happy - but here I am. The real reason? Rough morning with a former NBA point guard. Yeah, uh, that's my life.

Alright, so here we go with the Friday recap. Get the beer bong ready:

MLB

Cardinals 2, Cubs 1

Is it bad that I already don't give a sh*t about the Cubs?

White Sox 5, Tigers 4

In a battle of arrogance vs. grumpiness, arrogance (Ozzie) won out.

Red Sox 7, Yankees 6

Life lesson of Friday: if you have emotional connection to the Yankees potentially beating the Red Sox, don't watch them play at a bar in Hartford, CT and expect to not get angry.

Orioles 5, Blue Jays 4

Nick Markakis had a walk-off single. Afterwards, a bunch of drunk guys made fun of his name.

Nationals 6, Marlins 5

This game took 14 innings to resolve. That's kind of like spending four hours watching a Tom Cruise movie, because you know what's gonna happen and you know you won't care.

Braves 7, Mets 3

Shea management: just start paying your rent checks directly to Chipper Jones' 401K.

Indians 4, Devil Rays 3

In a battle of "Two Teams A-Rod is Most Likely to Play Well Against in a Meaningless Series and Get a Ton of Credit as a result," Travis Hafner was the hero.

Reds 2, Phillies 1

Brandon Phillips with the walk-off single. Oddly, Dateline's Stone Phillips tried to take credit.

Astros 6, Brewers 5

Brad Lidge almost found a way to f*ck this one to the wall.

Athletics 16, Rangers 4

That sound you hear is Billy Beane going Nelson, "HA HA!" style on you.

Royals 11, Twins 7

The Royals scored 11 runs? In related news, icicles appeared in hell, Step by Step reruns were cultural barometers, and Jennifer Aniston stopped the self-pity crap.

Padres 11, Rockies 1

Jake Peavy savagely mauled Carmelo Anthony with a police nightstick after the game.

Angels 8, Mariners 4

No jokes here: Joe Saunders wore a VaTech hat and had an inspired performance. That should make you feel good.

Giants 4, DBacks 2

Russ Ortiz, who hadn't won a game since August 2005, has now won two in a row. Guess it's time for a NKOTB reunion.

Dodgers 10, Pirates 2

Randy Wolf had 10 strikeouts. Insert cliche headline here. Can't think of one? Some options: "Big Bad Wolf" "The Wolfman" "Wolfman strikes out Jack (Wilson)" "Wolfin' down Pittsburgh." Oh, shut the f*ck up.

NHL

Sabres 4, Islanders 3

Buffalo is one step closer to removing themselves from the proverbial urban ledge.

Devils 3, Lightning 0

"Thank you sir, may I have another?" - Vinny L to Martin B.

Sharks 3, Predators 2

A bunch of tech nerds in San Jose had a few too many Sake Bombs last night.