The Cowgirl Checks In With Another In-Depth Report

Sports Illustrated's ridiculous excuse for a reporter, Jenn Sterger, or "The Sterj" as I have come to call her, has filed another report. We are giddy with anticipation and as is our sworn duty we will now examine it and point out what a fraud this whole project is.

Cowgirl on the Road (SI)
Anyone who knows me, knows I am a huge sucker for a good underdog story. As of late, no one fits the billing quite as well as the LSU Tigers men's basketball team.

No one huh? Gonzaga doesn't qualify even though they lost a couple of players to a drug bust. Illinois doesn't qualify just because two of their players got injured in a car accident. Yeah, LSU is definitely the top underdog story I can come up with too. The Sterj is such a good fit for SI, because she really knows her sports. By the way, fits the bill would have been a better way to write it, Sterj. Just a little writing tip, you know, since you're a reporter now.

Instead of a short-statured college student sweating his butt off in furry suit, LSU boasts a real live version of its mascot. Mike the Tiger has been a staple on the LSU campus since the 1930's, and has seen his fair share of action when it comes to college nightlife. In a prank pulled by Tulane students amidst the Tiger-Green Waves clash, the real life Mike was released from his cage and allowed to roam free throughout the LSU campus.

Here we go again. The Sterj is once again doing some in-depth reporting of facts that anyone can find by just going to Wikipedia.

Along my tailgating adventures I was introduced to a native Louisiana dish called Jambalaya.

Jambalaya? What is this new-fangled recipe you speak of Sterj? I am from the North and these strange concoctions are so unfamiliar to me.

It's a traditional Cajun recipe that can vary from tailgate to tailgate, but the essential ingredients remain: rice, pork, sausage. What makes pork and sausage two different kinds of meat is beyond me ... but no matter, I still tried some.

Thanks for telling us about it. How else would know about these strange, yet wonderful cultural phenomenons?

The game itself was the highlight of the weekend. Joakim Noah and the Gators never recovered from the first half attack, and fled to the locker room at the half. The second half proved much the same with Florida failing to make the majority of their free throws. Pure coincidence that I was sitting underneath the basket with Victoria's Secret Weapon? I think not.

Yeah, you were the reason they won. Get over yourself.

The LSU Tigers had vindicated their loss from last year's Final Four. Though the Tigers hopes to attend the Big Dance look dim, if they can pull off a stellar performance at the SEC tournament they may still earn themselves a pair of Cinderella's shoes come March Madness.

Yeah, those "underdogs" that were IN THE FINAL FOUR last year, really shocked everyone. And let me clue you in to something Sterj, a team from the SEC who was in the Final Four only a year ago will never be classified as a "Cinderella." What they qualify to be called this year is a "bad team." Stick to shoving your boobs out as far as you can so you can get on TV, and telling anyone who will listen how much they cost and what a great investment they were. You know, things you're good at.

O.K. We're done with LSU! Next up for "The Sterj," Daytona!

To those not familiar with NASCAR, the thought of running the so-called Super Bowl of Motor sports at the beginning of the season seems rather ridiculous. I belonged to this camp.

You mean the biggest race in America is run in February? I bet there are literally millions who read SI.com who were not aware of that fact. Thanks, Sterj!

Apparently, some NASCAR drivers had a need ... a need for speed.

O.K. She should have all her press credentials revoked just for that sentence alone. Seriously.

The racing nation was about to have its first major publicized encounter with a problem that has become more and more prevalent in athletics of all kinds today: CHEATING. NASCAR officials were having none of it.

Phew! I am so glad The Sterj reported on this, because I think all the major media outlets missed this story.

The infraction was discovered during a routine inspection of Michael Waltrip's car, when a technician found a weird residue in the cars manifold. Hmm ... if only all sports did their illegal substance inquiries this way. Can you say "deterrence?"

I don't even know what she means here. Should baseball look under Barry Bonds' manifold? I guess that would be a deterrent?

It seems even the most average of Joe's can be a champion, with the right car, the right moves, and an appetite for adrenaline.

What?? Is she saying that Ernie from Wal-Mart can be a champ if he just had a good car, some moves (whatever that means), and likes to go fast? Sterj, you're losing me.

Well, that was fun, as usual. Hey ... can someone get this pencil out of my neck please?

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As long as someone like Miss Sterger gets a slot to "write" at a prestigious (although less so now) publication like SI instead of an actual, you know, writer, we are going to make fun of it. We do not profess to be writers, but we do know one when we see one. Disclaimer: All of Jenn's blurbs were taken out of context, but were still as dumb as if they had been in context.